They do exist!
While I wonder at the necessity for a support group for beings whom people don't believe exist (seems to me all you'd have to do is something highly embarrassing and/or illegal and make sure someone is filming it) I figured there just wasn't enough to write about without me having to resort to just removing my suspension of disbelief and that gets old after a while. What I don't like is how Santa is such a jerk. You mean to tell me that a guy who gets to have a huge beard, an army of little people making toys and only has to travel for work 1 day a year and most importantly, was put on trial in a New York City courtroom because the burden of proof of his existence was on him and a little girl is going to be a jerk to a Dr. Pepper salesman? He of all people (fairies? unique sentient beings?) I'd expect that type of behavior from the leprechaun or bigfoot (I'd rather expect bigfoot to just eat the Dr. Pepper salesman but you get the idea) rather than Santa whose job it is hand out the crap he makes for free to children who do actually deserve it. That's what his list is for. Plus, as an old man he probably has to worry about diabetes and should probably be supporting diet soft drinks to keep his insulin levels normal. Think of the tragedy if he went into a coma while driving the sleigh. Imagine nine reindeer, a sleigh, a big fat guy, and a huge bag of toys crashing into anything. I'm surprised Santa hasn't had a heart attack yet from the scares.
Second, that is overall the crappiest support group I've ever seen, even worse than the one Dave Chappelle's character goes to in Half Baked Even after the Easter Bunny tries it and his sugar addled brain likes it the group continues to make fun of him. It's fairy tale characters like them that make other fairy tale characters go crazy and shoot up a fairy tale day care or fairy tale senior center.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
BAKUGAN!
Ah kid's commercials -
Bakugan - which is apparently a game of some kind.
This commercial's basic message is that it doesn't matter if the game you're playing makes any sense, especially when you take out the cool animation of your pieces coming to life and battling before your eyes but rather that if you buy the game the local dojo will let you rent out their space you can use your game to basically have a kid's version of fight club (don't talk about it). Ah youth, to have your parents buy you a game with a million convoluted rules and then hope that all your friends parents did the same. And also that this time you get on the cool toy train before it leaves the station and you don't look like an idiot for still being into pogs in fifth grade. Sorry, I might be projecting a little bit into that last sentence.
Bakugan - which is apparently a game of some kind.
This commercial's basic message is that it doesn't matter if the game you're playing makes any sense, especially when you take out the cool animation of your pieces coming to life and battling before your eyes but rather that if you buy the game the local dojo will let you rent out their space you can use your game to basically have a kid's version of fight club (don't talk about it). Ah youth, to have your parents buy you a game with a million convoluted rules and then hope that all your friends parents did the same. And also that this time you get on the cool toy train before it leaves the station and you don't look like an idiot for still being into pogs in fifth grade. Sorry, I might be projecting a little bit into that last sentence.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Hershey's factory of evil
"It's just like Willie Wonka, but no Oompa Loompas!"
Ah! The life of a Hershey Kiss, flowing wistfully along the factory being wrapped up in foil and even given a little ribbon to fly like a flag as if to say "Behold! I am a Hershey Kiss! I am more special than all others" then paraded in front of one's peers and sent out to that big world where dreams are...wait. Why is that small child picking the kiss up and just throwing it casually to his mother where...OH MY GOD! SHE'S EATING HIM! WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL HIM! THE BASTARDS SET THIS UP SO HE WOULD DIE! IT'S A HERSHEY KISS HOLOCAUST AND THEY'RE BEING LED LIKE LAMBS TO THE SLAUGHTER!
...
Now that I've had some time to calm down I would like to point out that this is a type of food marketing whereby the food being eaten is more than happy to be consumed by the customer. Normally this only slightly bothers me when it's animals that are doing the advertisting (for an example look up any barbecue restaurant, about half of the have a pig as a mascot. Look here, here, and here, the last one coming from me typing "barbecue restaurant" into a google image search and picking about the fourth or fifth result) because while we should be thankful for the animals that give us meat I don't necessarily want them to be smiling or taunting me while I'm eating their kin. I guess I'm a moral coward. Anyway the point of this commercial is that its fun to be a Hershey Kiss and thats why we have this fantasy of what it would be like to be a kiss and go through the most awesome factory in the world. Unfortunately we have people in the world like George Orwell, Aldous Huxley and Sylvester Stallone's John Spartan in "Demolition Man" to prove that when society lives in a utopia such as this it usually means that everything actually sucks. It seems a fitting expose of a company whose advertising would lead us to believe that their chocolate product can make music and ice skate.
I think this should serve as a lesson to all food manufacturers. Don't make it look like your food is happy to be eaten. It just creeps out your customers who in their personal lives don't want to be eaten.
Ah! The life of a Hershey Kiss, flowing wistfully along the factory being wrapped up in foil and even given a little ribbon to fly like a flag as if to say "Behold! I am a Hershey Kiss! I am more special than all others" then paraded in front of one's peers and sent out to that big world where dreams are...wait. Why is that small child picking the kiss up and just throwing it casually to his mother where...OH MY GOD! SHE'S EATING HIM! WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL HIM! THE BASTARDS SET THIS UP SO HE WOULD DIE! IT'S A HERSHEY KISS HOLOCAUST AND THEY'RE BEING LED LIKE LAMBS TO THE SLAUGHTER!
...
Now that I've had some time to calm down I would like to point out that this is a type of food marketing whereby the food being eaten is more than happy to be consumed by the customer. Normally this only slightly bothers me when it's animals that are doing the advertisting (for an example look up any barbecue restaurant, about half of the have a pig as a mascot. Look here, here, and here, the last one coming from me typing "barbecue restaurant" into a google image search and picking about the fourth or fifth result) because while we should be thankful for the animals that give us meat I don't necessarily want them to be smiling or taunting me while I'm eating their kin. I guess I'm a moral coward. Anyway the point of this commercial is that its fun to be a Hershey Kiss and thats why we have this fantasy of what it would be like to be a kiss and go through the most awesome factory in the world. Unfortunately we have people in the world like George Orwell, Aldous Huxley and Sylvester Stallone's John Spartan in "Demolition Man" to prove that when society lives in a utopia such as this it usually means that everything actually sucks. It seems a fitting expose of a company whose advertising would lead us to believe that their chocolate product can make music and ice skate.
I think this should serve as a lesson to all food manufacturers. Don't make it look like your food is happy to be eaten. It just creeps out your customers who in their personal lives don't want to be eaten.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Best Buy's own version of "The Shining"
wait until about the 0:26 mark.
http://bestbuytruestories.comSeriously, the shot with Charles poking out from behind the tree and smiling makes me think that he has an axe in
his hand and he's gearing up to say "Heeeeeeeeeere's Charles!". I only saw this commercial actually on tv about one and a
half times but as you can tell it has so haunted my dreams (nightmares really) that I was forced to look it up dredging the internet and
reliving horror after horror of watching vaguely 30-something year old men laugh about their salesmanship conquests. I wasn't really paying attention until the dude pops out of the christmas tree and into my mind for months to come.
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